Confidence is Perception: A Women’s History Month Reality Check

It wasn’t so long ago that women were expected to list their weight on their resume and navigate intrusive interview questions like “Are you planning to get pregnant?” Not so long before that, women weren’t even allowed in the room.

Today, the barriers are less visible, but they show up clearly in how women are evaluated in interviews. I’m not just talking about illegal discrimination or unspoken quotas. I mean those pervasive, yet quiet filters that keep our clients from landing the offer. The rates of women in the workforce are dwindling. In December’s jobs report, women made up nearly all the job losses, with men joining the labor market at a rate three times greater than women. As coaches, we can’t fix the broken pipe that is draining women out of the workforce. But we can help our clients fight their way back in.  

A few years ago, I gave a talk about the gender gap in perceived interview confidence. Research shows that in an interview setting, perceived confidence is a bridge to an offer. The logic follows a predictable path: Confidence → Competence → The Offer.

 
The problem? Evaluators interpret identical language differently depending on gender. In a 2024 study, women who used communal language in job applications were rated less likely to be hired and less likely to be good leaders, while men using the same communal wording were not penalized.

Thanks to cultural norms around modesty and a very real fear of backlash from appearing too assertive, women—especially women of color who face both gender and racial stereotypes simultaneously—have been trained to play small. Cautious self presentation is often a survival strategy,  We worry about seeming “arrogant.”

So let’s be clear about the difference between arrogant and confident: Arrogant is claiming superiority over others and sweeping generalizations of greatness. Confident is claiming specific strengths with stories of success backed by credible evidence. When women don’t own their successes, interviewers rarely interpret that as modesty.  More often, it registers as under-confidence.

No confidence → no competence → no offer. Game over. Not because women lack competence, but because perceived confidence is often the filter through which competence is judged. As absurd as that may be, coaches can’t afford to ignore it.

The behaviors that trigger this perception gap are often the very traits that make women incredible leaders: inclusiveness, respect for others, and humility. But in an interview, these can manifest as:

• Avoiding taking credit for personal wins and couching them as team achievements.
• Defaulting to “We” instead of “I” language.
• Focusing on the tasks completed rather than owning the decisions made.

To bridge this gap, coaches can teach the communication skills that change how our clients are heard. At the Interview Institute, we focus on three non-negotiables:  

1. Own the “I.”  Stop saying “We.” Say what you did. Taking credit isn’t bragging. It’s an accurate report of your value. Acknowledge team efforts, yes – but highlight what you contributed to the team.
2. Communicate with Executive Presence. Deliver clear, compelling, and controlled messages. Eliminate habits that signal insecurity: filler words, upspeak, over-apologizing, qualifiers (“kind of”), indirect phrases (“It allowed me to…”), and trailing off at the end of sentences.
3. Move from Manager to Strategist. If you want a leadership seat, quit talking about execution. A manager gets it done. A leader decides what is worth doing. Change the story from what you did to why you decided to do it.

As interview coaches, we help our clients translate their brilliance into a language the system can’t ignore. If we let a client “play small” in our mock interviews because it feels more comfortable, we are leaving them unprotected in a market that is already looking for reasons to count them out.

So, this Women’s History Month, let’s commit to the blunt, necessary work of helping our clients reclaim their “I” and secure the seats they’ve already earned.